Excuse me, while i clean up this mess

I was thinking the other day. Yes, imagine that, me, thinking. HA! Okay, I'm not going to lie. It does happen quite often. Espically here lately. I have been having a lot of weird dreams here lately. Dreams that not only get my attention but dreams that stop me dead in my tracks. Dreams that cause me to wake up praying to God that my family will one day be saved. Dreams that allow me to catch a glimpse of the spiritual battle I am up against daily. These dreams lead to visions. Durring the day flashbacks of the dreams. I often find myself in a terrified state. Praying and praying and praying that God will protect me. And everytime, he does. He reminds me that I have victory in Jesus name! He reminds me that I am fighting a battle that is already won....i've read the book, I know how this will end!! My life came with a manual that I tend to read daily. And without that manual, I honestly would not be here today. I could go into my life story and tell you how God has saved me, in more than one way...but I really don't feel like typing it all out. But to shorten it, God has gotten me through divorce (a couple of them), addictions, self abuse, high school...the list goes on and on...and God is still fighting for me!!! So back to the part where I was thinking the other day (if you read this very often, you will know that I am a scatter-brained person, and I like for my thoughts to be portrayed in my journal the same way that are in my mind....its sort-of makes me who I am)..So I was thinking the other day. In the past couple weeks I have done things that I simply shouldn't have done. I have taken conversations where they shouldn't go. I have taken actions that I shouldn't have even thought of. Now I know that God has forgiven me...I've spent a lot of time on my face in tears, begging to be forgiven, to be made worthy again...and his word says that we are forgiven, and his word never fails..so yea, I know that I am forgiven. But here is the thought. The things that I have been doing hurt God. His heart breaks over ME! Me!! He cares so much about me, and without thinking I let him down. Sadly, this happens daily. When I enter judgement day, will I really be ready for my verdict? Will I be ready to hear every word that has came out of my mouth? Will I be able to watch every act that I've taken against God? And as if that thought alone doesnt bring that nasty lump into my throat...the fact that God is watching me....every move I make, every breath I take...he is watching...and waiting to see what I will do next...waiting to see how I will handle the next situation....waiting...just waiting for me to call on him when I need help...and more often than not, I call somebody from my cell phone, or I call my grandma...or I call Ryan....but I don't call on the one who holds me in his hands, even when I mess things up in the biggest way. He holds me. He loves me. He forgives. He watches. He waits. Ya know, I love my God. I do. With all my heart. But here is the thought that I have been dancing around through-out this entire entry. 1.) God watches me. He loves me. He holds me. He cares. He is my Daddy. 2.) In a day, how many of my actions or thoughts do not reflect Christ in me? 3.) My God given gift, my talent, is writing. Why is so much of my writing self-centered? Why does some of my writing make people question where I am at in my faith? That is a small dose of my heavy heart tonight. I want to be pleasing unto God. I want him to smile when he thinks of me. I want to lead a Holy life that is honorable to my Jesus. Excuse me, while I clean up this mess that I have created out of my selfishness.