Earlier this summer i went on a missions trip to ny i. last night all of us on the trip went to church for the evening service to talk about the trip some. the service was just for us and two other groups to share what has happend this summer. one of the groups happend to be the Beikert (sp?) family...they went to germany and france for a month at the begining of the summer. the family consists of three kids and their parents. they used their vacation as more of a missions trip. they sang at churches, i think their dad may have preached a few times...anyway they all got up and shared. and then they had a video that they showed us...watching them on their trip brought tears to my eyes. hearing all of their talents blend together, and then to realize that they are a family. to see them all love God together, and to see them love each other. i dont know. i have a family life very different from that. and it sometimes kills parts of me to watch other families...knowing that i will never have that. im glad that some kids get to expierance having a whole family...but gelousy seems to kick in uncontrolably..and i would do anything to take their place. i would give the world to go back and time and have my parents still together..to know what its like to go through these "teen years"...having my mom and dad beside each other to help me through..i dont understand why God works this way...why some people grow up in "perfect" homes..and then there are some that have to work hard for their faith.. if you are reading this and your family is still together...then im asking you to realize how lucky you are...and begging you not to take it for advantage...sorry if i offended anyone...my heart is just at wits end...i get tired of living this way sometimes... wow..i feel better since i got a chance to vent ....

I took a walk around midnight several nights ago. It was nice outside, the air was crisp and cool. The walk was refreshing, something I had needed for a while. I saw beauty that had been long awaiting my attention. The cool breeze against my face was soothing, all the night had to offer. The warm pavement beneath my bare feet was calming, all that remained from the hot summers day. The quietness that was offered by the time of night was well needed. A good time for me to clear my thoughts, to reflect on things that have happend this summer, and better yet i focused on things to come. I'm going back to New York! I got a chance to let that really soak in and inhabbit an area of my heart. I'm actually goint to spend Christmas with a family that hardly even knows me!! And not only do i want to be there, but i am wanted there! I can't wait. i'm soo giddy about it..but anyways..my point in this post was to say that i had a really good walk the other night :)